


Incorrect Spider-Verse Quotes

by ArmaadaJ



Category: Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-10-07 13:23:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17366648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArmaadaJ/pseuds/ArmaadaJ
Summary: These quotes were never actually said in the movie, but they were probably said at some point. Sort-of-Crack fic.(Incorrect Quotes is taking quotes from other media/memes and attributing them to characters from something else, in this case Spider-verse)





	1. Chapter 1

**Peter B:** Miles, let’s just get drunk. Let’s not talk about trauma.

**Gwen:** Yeah, come on.

\----------------

**Miles:** What brought you to this dimension?

**Peter B:** I threw a dart at a map and it landed in a trash can.

\---------------

[Noir has lost his favorite hat]

**Miles:** Noir, it’s only a hat.

**Noir, aghast:** Only a hat?

**Spider-Ham:** Noir’s a little attached to that hat. He thinks it’s lucky.

**Noir:** It is lucky. I have never died while wearing that hat.

**Miles, frowning:** I… I’m not sure I know how to respond.

**Spider-Ham:** That’s a common reaction to Noir.

\---------------

**Gwen:** There’s nothing worse than people using big words they don’t understand just to seem smart.

**Miles:** I photosynthesize with that.

\---------------

**Gwen:** Look, you seem very nice.

**Miles:** Thank you.

**Gwen:** I have no room in my life for people like that.

\----------------

**Miles:** Are you drunk?

**Peter B:** Is drunk when your body is a marshmallow and your head feels like a bowling ball?

\---------------

**Kingpin:** Why don’t you stay down and die with dignity?

**Peter B:** I don’t do anything with dignity!

\---------------

**Peter B:** Aren’t you supposed to tell me I have a lot left to live for?

**Noir:** I would, but your life seems incredibly bleak.

\----------------

**Gwen:** You look happy. Let me guess, your sandwich fell on the floor at the restaurant, and they gave it to you for free.

**Peter B:** No. Can you do that? Why doesn’t everyone just drop their sandwiches on the floor?

**Gwen:** I was trying to insult you.

**Peter B:** And instead you gave me an amazing life-hack.

\----------------

**Doc Ock:** Handcuffs? Wow, you’re kinky…

**Jeff Davis:** First off, I’m a cop. And secondly, you’re being placed under arrest.

\---------------

**Miles:** You know, don’t take this the wrong way, but I feel like you’ve become a lot more fun since I’ve known you.

**Gwen:** Thanks. And if I might return the compliment, I think you’ve become marginally less irritating.

\---------------

**Gwen:** I’ve been feeling kind of sluggish lately.

**Miles:** I like slugs.

\----------------

**Miles:** Good responses for being stabbed with a knife? Asking for a friend.

**Gwen:** Rude.

**Peter B:** That’s fair.

**Noir:** Not again.

**Spider-Ham:** Are you going to want this back?

\----------------

**Peni:** Don’t worry. Miles likes your butt and your fancy hair. I know. I read his diary.

**Gwen:** [touching her hair in wonder] He thinks it’s fancy?

\---------------

**Noir:** What the heck did you do last night?

**Spider-Ham:** I embarrassed myself, my family, my name, and possibly my country.

\----------------

**Aunt May:** A friend came looking for you.

**Peter B:** A friend?

**Aunt May:** …an enemy.

**Peter B:** Oh! Which one?

\---------------

**Miles:** I’m… grounded?

**Peter B:** Yes, you’re grounded!

**Gwen:** You disobeyed an order!

**Spider-Ham, holding a shovel:** And now, we’re gonna bury you until you’ve learned your lesson!

**Gwen:** Ham, that’s not how grounding works.

\----------------

**Peni, angrily:** Can I say a bad word?

**Noir:** Um…

**Peni:** CAN I SAY A BAD WORD?

**Noir:** I mean…

**Peni:** [turning to Scorpion] YOU MOTHERFUCKING BITCH

\---------------

**Miles:** Okay, yeah, I LOVE Gwen! I have loving feelings for Gwen. But does that mean I am IN love with her? No-

**Miles:** Oh my god. I’m in love with Gwen.

**Miles, to the rest of the squad:** Why didn’t you guys tell me?

**Peter B:** We thought you knew.

\----------------

**Miles:** I did something terrible.

**Spider-Ham:** It’s okay, I have a shovel.

**Miles:** Wait, what do you think I did?

**Spider-Ham:** It doesn’t matter, no one will ever know.

\----------------

**Therapist:** In general, would you say you’ve been more emotional lately?

**Peter B, immediately breaking into tears:** No.

\----------------

**Peter B:** Yo.

**Miles:** Did you just say “yo”?

**Peter B:** I started saying it ironically, but now it’s just natural.

**Miles:** Cool. [finger-guns]

**Peter B:** You too?

**Miles:** Yep. [fires finger-guns several times]

\----------------

**Peni:** I have done nothing wrong, ever, in my life.

**Noir:** I know this, and I love you.

\----------------

**Miles:** 1+2 equals me and you~

**Gwen:** 1 + 2 equals three you _buffoon._

**Miles:** It’s like 10, ‘cause you’re the only ten I see.

**Gwen:** You are failing math. Can you like, concentrate? For 5 minutes.

\------------

**Peter B:** Let’s just say I was president of the biochemistry club in high school for a reason.

**Miles:** Was the reason because you were the only member?

**Peter B:** …yes.

\--------------

**Peter B:** Everyone synchronize your watches.

**Noir:** I don’t know how to do that.

**Miles:** I don’t wear a watch.

**Spider-Ham:** Time is a construct.

\-------------

**Peter B:** This is probably the second weirdest way I’ve almost died.

**Miles:** What was the first?

**Peter B:** It’s very complicated but, long story short, Spider-Man is banned from every Olive Garden in the state.

\--------------

**Miles:** [Grounded in his room] I’ve been in here so long I think I’ve lost my mind.

**Miles:** The days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months.

**Miles:** How long have I been in here now?! Almost a year?!

**Rio Morales:** No, it’s been eight minutes, would you like some tea?

\-------------

**Spider-Ham, stroking Peni’s head:** You’re so tiny and adorable.

**Peni, half asleep:** I could kick your ass right now.

**Spider-Ham, looking at Peni with literal heart eyes:** I know.

\--------------

**Peter B:** Why are we laying on the ground?

**Miles:** You got knocked down so I laid next to you so everyone would just think we were chillin’.

\-------------

**Peter B:** I tried to acknowledge his feelings. It wasn’t easy. There were a lot of them.

[earlier that day]

**Miles:** I’m just so confused- Are you… are you climbing out the window?

**Peter B:** [halfway out the window]

**Peter B:**

**Peter B:** No.

\--------------

**Jeff Davis:** I’m the cool parent. That’s my thing.

**Jeff Davis:** I’m hip. I surf the web. I text.

**Jeff Davis:** LOL. Laugh out loud. OMG, oh my god. WTF, why the face.

\-----------------

**Gwen:** Hi, Miles.

**Peter B:** We brought dinner.

**Miles:** What’d you get?

**Gwen:** [ _gestures with the pizza box_ ] A bucket of chicken. I hope you like it extra flat and crispy.

\--------------

**Miles:** Everything’s going to be fine. It’s just a crush.

**Gwen:** Hey, Miles!

**Miles:** I love you.

\-------------

**Peter B:** I slept for 12 hours but I might still be tired to let’s go for 12 more just in case.

**Miles:** Peter, that’s a coma.

**Peter B:** Sounds festive.

\-------------

**Noie:** I’m nigh-invulnerable. I have the reflexes of an Olympic-level jungle cat. I have the strength of ten, perhaps twenty men. A crowded bus stop of men! But my greatest power is this… when destiny speaks… she speaks to me.

**Miles:**

**Noir:** She says hi by the way.

\---------------

**Peni:** So this is your HQ, huh?

**Miles:** No, this is my dorm!

**Peni:** Is this your secret trigger? [rips coat hook off the wall]

**Miles:** No- Don’t touch anything!

\---------------

**Miles:** See, Gwen, the way this whole friendship thing works is you have to tell each other the deep stuff.

**Gwen:** The deep stuff? Uh oh. Like what?

**Miles:** Like… what’s your favorite color?

**Gwen:** Now you’ve stepped over the line.

\-----------------

**Miles:** See? See, one day you’re gonna look back on this and laugh.

**Gwen:** I assure you, for the rest of my life, every time I look back on this I will personally cross over to your dimension and smack you.

\----------------

**Peter B:** Whose turn is it to give the pep-talk?

**Gwen:** [sighing] Spider-Ham’s…

**Spider-Ham:** Fuck shit up out there, but don’t die.

**Noir:** [wiping away a tear] Inspirational.

\----------------

**Professor:** [passionately] What defines you? What makes you YOU? What’s your IDENTITY?

**Miles and Gwen, at the same time, immediately looking at each other:** SPIDERS!

\------------------

**Gwen:** Miles, I never doubted you for a moment!

**Miles:** Thank you. You’re lying, though, right?

**Gwen:** Oh, yes. I doubted you very strongly.

\-----------------

**Peter B:** Oh, look! It’s Gwen!

**Miles:** Oh, no! You can’t let her see me like this!

**Peter B:** Like what? You look great.

**Miles, mortified:** [takes a deep breath] I’m not wearing cool socks today.

\------------------

**Jeff Davis:** Hey, Miles. You won’t tell us who your secret girlfriend “G” is. So, we pulled up your instagram and narrowed it down to 15 possible girls.

**Miles:**

**Miles:** I know Dad is crazy, but, come on, Mom, you’re better than this.

**Rio Morales:** Aw… I’m really not.

\-----------------

**Jeff Davis:** You said it was an emergency!

**Miles:** It IS an emergency.

**Jeff Davis:** I’m a cop! Emergency means someone is dead!

\--------------------

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Im back bitches! That's right, I made a ton more quotes because I have No Impulse Control ^TM.

**Peter B:** Who do we know that has handcuffs?

**Miles:** Well, Gwen and I-

**Gwen:** [elbows him]

**Miles:** -have dads that are cops, WHAT DID YOU THINK I WAS GONNA SAY?!

\------------------

**Peter B:** They sold three times as much of my merch today. People are buying them for five times more money just ‘cause I’m dead.

**Miles:** But you’re not the Spider-man that’s dead.

**Peter B:** That isn’t my fault.

\-----------------

**Gwen:** I’m pretty sure Miles’ last words are going to be, “Don’t worry, perfectly normal, everything’s under AAAAAGH!”

\------------------

**Peni:** Why are you like this?

**Noir:** I used too much ‘no more tears’ shampoo in 1932 and haven’t felt a single emotion since.

\----------------

**Peni:** [teaching Noir how to use a cell phone] Okay, first of all, go to the app store.

**Noir:** [gets up]

**Peni:** Wait, where are you going?

**Noir:** You said to go to the app store. Is it far?

\---------------

**Miles:** Woah, look at the sea!

**Noir, in wonder:** Wow, what a wonderful sight! It’s soooo-...yellow?

**Miles:** Blue.

\----------------

**Peter B:** [lays across table seductively]

**Peter B:** Hey- [table breaks]

\-----------------

**Peter B:** I’ve only slept nine hours over the past four days so I’m right on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

**Peter B:** [bites his phone]

**Peter B:** This isn’t a bagel.

\----------------

**Peter B:** Listen, have I ever put you in an unsafe situation?

**Miles:** All the time!

**Peter B:** Then you should be used to it!

\----------------

**Spider-Ham:** Oh, fiddlesticks.

**Peni:** Look, I understand this is a tense situation, but let’s watch the fucking language.

\-----------------

**Miles:** Anybody under 5’7” can’t be talking about fighting anyone. Like, what are you gonna do? Headbutt someone in the nipples?

**Spider-Ham:** Say goodbye to your kneecaps, asshole.

\----------------

**Miles:** But I’ve grown on you.

**Gwen:** Yes, like moss or toe fungus.

\----------------

**Miles:** Hello, people who do not live in this house or dimension.

**Peter B:** Hey.

**Gwen:** Hi.

**Noir:** Hello.

**Peni:** Hey!

**Miles:** I thought we only crossed dimensions for emergencies!

**Spider-Ham:** We were out of Doritos.

\-------------------

**Noir:** What’s the worst decision you’ve made while you were drunk?

**Peter B:** Don’t mean to brag, but I don’t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.

\-------------------

**Literally any version of Peter Parker:** Let’s play the game of whose life sucks the most. I’ll win. I always win.

\--------------------

**Gwen:** Why does everyone hate my Ska band?

**Miles:** Because it’s a  **fucking Ska band.**

\--------------------

**Peni:** Why are you being so nice to Miles?

**Gwen:** Because I’m a good person, and I’m polite and nice to everyone.

**Peni:** You’re in love with him, aren’t you?

**Gwen:** Yeah okay I’m in love with him.

\---------------------

**Gwen:** We should stop worrying about Miles and let him lead his own life.

**Peter B:**

**Gwen:**

**Peter B:** Do you want to follow him, or should I?

**Gwen:** Let’s both do it.

\----------------

**Gwen:** The quickest way to a man’s heart is through the fourth and the fifth rib.

**Peni:** Really? I thought it was food?

**Gwen:** Well… I guess poison could work too

\--------------------

**Jeff Davis:** Miles No.

**Miles:** Read 8:45 ✓

\--------------

**Gwen:** [studiously doing her homework, listening to instrumental music, very focused]

**Miles:** [upside down in his desk chair] Do you think spiders have feelings?

\----------------

**Peter B:** Our only hope right now is this kind, selfless, amazing nerd.

**Miles:** Do you have to call me a nerd so much?

**Peter B:** I said a lot of other really nice things, okay? Toughen up, nerd.

\---------------

**Miles:** Did Gwen just tell me she loved me for the first time?

**Peter B:** Yeah, she did.

**Miles:** …and did I do finger guns back?

**Peter B:** Yeah, you did.

\-----------------

**Miles:** Please, Gwen… After everything we went through together. You can’t do this.

**Gwen:** I’m sorry, Miles.

**Miles:** I’m begging you. Don’t do it.

**Gwen:** It has to be done…

**Miles:**

**Gwen:**

**Gwen, placing a draw-4 card:** Uno

\---------------

**Noir:** [is upset]

**Spider-Ham:** Hey, you know, if spiders had a complex social structure like us and they viewed humans as gods and each one of us had a religion that groups of spiders group into, you know what that would mean? It would mean that there is a group of spiders out there who are rooting for you.

**Noir:** Thank? You?

\---------------

**Miles[As Spider-Man]:** Victim is 6’1’’. His body…. has already turned into a ghost….

**Jeff Davis:** Spider-man, that’s just a sheet we covered the body with.

\-----------------

**Noir:** I’m the most responsible detective.

**Peni:** You literally just set the kitchen on fire.

**Noir:** Yes, and I take responsibility for that.

\----------------

**Miles:** Can you teach me algebra?

**Noir:** I went to school in the 1930’s. They told us that ice pick lobotomies were a valid medical treatment

\------------------

**Miles:** Jail is no fun, I can tell you that.

**Noir:** Oh, you’ve been?

**Miles:** Once. In Monopoly.

\----------------

**Noir:** Is there a word that is a mix between angry and sad?

**Peni:** Malcontented, miserable…

**Spider-Ham:** Smad.

\-------------------

**Miles:** What are you doing later?

**Peter B:** Having my night ruined by whatever you’re about to ask me to do.

\-------------------

**Peter B:** Uh, any other non-terrible questions?

**Miles:** Is there a health plan for superheroes?

**Peter B:** Just don’t die.

\----------------------

**Peter B:** Can we agree not to tell Aunt May about this?

**Miles:** This isn’t even the most disappointing thing I know about you.

\----------------

**Miles[As Spider-man]:** I will not let a technicality stop me from helping people.

**Jeff Davis:** A technicality like the law?

**Miles:** Yeah. I hate those things.

\-----------------

“I want Spider-man to lower me into my grave so he can let me down one last time.”

—  **Jeff Davis**

**\--------------**

**Miles:** So, where do you live?

**Spider-ham:** In the underworld in a cave system connected by tunnels.

**Miles:** Woah, really?

**Spider-ham:** No, you idiot. I have an apartment.

\------------------

**Gwen:** I’m gonna play a song for you right now

**Gwen:** It’s called “my life so far”

**Gwen:** [Takes a deep breath, hits a cymbal]

**Gwen:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

\----------------

“Things just got super weird– it’s my time to shine”

—  **Spider-Ham**

**\----------------**

**Noir:** Fist me

**Peter B:** I- What the fuck

**Noir:** [holds out fist for a fist bump]

**Peter B:** Right. That’s what you- Right okay Jesus fucking Chr-

\-----------------

**Spider-Ham:** That’s one of my biggest fears.

**Miles:** What is?

**Spider-Ham:** That if I ever, like, woke up as a doughnut…

**Miles:** You would eat yourself?

**Spider-Ham:** I wouldn’t even question it

\----------------

**Noir:** I drink to forget but I always remember.

**Miles:** You’re drinking a milkshake.

\------------------

**Spider-Ham** : You remind me of the ocean

**Noir** : Because I’m deep and mysterious?

**Spider-Ham** : No, because you’re full of salt and you scare people

\----------------

**Miles** : Studying? More like student dying! Amiright or amiright?

**Peter B** : Are…you okay?

**Miles:** I have been awake for 103 hours.

\--------------------

**Peter B:** MJ freaked out ‘cause I told her I never drink water, so now she’s making me drink eight glasses a day. It’s like, there’s water in soda, there’s water in coffee, there’s little pools of water on pizza-

**Miles:** That’s grease, Peter.

**Peter B:** Well, it’s wet, isn’t it?

\------------------

**Miles:** Hey, Peter? Can I get some dating advice?

**Peter B:** Just because I’m with MJ doesn’t mean I know how I did it.

\------------------

**Jeff Davis:** Don’t do anything dangerous!

**Miles:** You and I both know that’s asking too much

\----------------------

**Peter B[To the rest of the Spideyfam]:** We are WHAT TEAM?!

\-------------------------

**Jeff Davis:** One bonus of being an adult is grossly misusing modern slang on purpose and watching my son cry inside.

**Jeff Davis:** A fine example: the other day I pointed at some graffiti and, while looking Miles right in the eye, went “Man, is that bae or what, huh?” and the look on his face was something I will treasure for years.

\-----------------------

**Spider-Ham:** How would you like your coffee?

**Noir:** As dark and bitter as my soul.

**Spider-Ham:** One vanilla latte with extra sugar and whipped cream coming right up.

\---------------------------

**Gwen:** And if you see Miles, give him this message.   
**Gwen:** *makes a neutral face*   
**Gwen:** He’ll know what it means.   
**[later]**   
**Peter B:** Oh, and Gwen said to give you a message.   
**Gwen:** *makes a neutral face*   
**Miles:** Oh no. The neutral face of displeasure.

\---------------------------

**Gwen:** Miles sneezed earlier and I accidentally said ‘shut the fuck up’ instead of ‘bless you’.

**Peter B:** How do you accidentally say ‘shut the fuck up’?

\----------------------

**Gwen:** Ah, Miles did the dishes.

**Peter B:** How do you know I didn’t do them?

**Gwen:** Because once when all the knives were dirty you cut a bagel with your key.

\------------------

**Spider-Ham:** Did you hear that? It sounded like...despair.   
**Noir:** It’s probably me.   
**Spider-Ham:** No, no, not bitterness. Despair.

\------------------

**Peter B:** You all think I enjoy being Spider-Dad to you all?!

**Miles:**

**Gwen:**

**Peni:**

**Noir:**

**Spider-Ham:**

**Peter B:** Okay fine, it’s like crack to me.

\-------------------

**Miles:** What are we gonna do?

**Peter B:** I don’t know. Maybe pizza?

**Miles:**

**Peter B:**

**Miles:** About Kingpin, Peter.

\-----------------

**Miles:** I sort of did something and I need your advice, but I don't want any judgement or criticism.   
**Gwen:** And you came to me?

\------------------------

**Miles:** I'm doomed!   
**Peter B:** Well, you lived a good life, right?   
**Miles:** I'm only a teenager!   
**Peter B:** I said good, not long.

\-----------------------

**Peter B:** I'm the smartest, most skilled Spider-man.   
**Gwen** ...Is your hand stuck in that vending machine?   
**Peter B** I paid for my soda, I'm getting soda.

\------------------------


End file.
